WHEN YOU GONNA MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Revisiting "Winter" by Tori Amos...thirty years later.

When I was fourteen, I got my first CD Player.

It was hidden under the Christmas Tree, tucked among a huge pile of gifts - more than I ever expected, but my mother always had a way of making things special. Not only did I get one, but so did my brother and sister. Aiwa Discmen, a somewhat-equivalent alternative to Sony models back then.

But, it didn’t matter.

With that Discman in hand, I was primed for a teenage rite of passage: the glorious arrival of the Columbia House (a.k.a BMG) catalog in the mail. Like Ralphie waiting for the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring in A Christmas Story, I lived for the moment that piece of mail would appear in the box.

“Five CD’s for a $1,” it proclaimed in bold, bright font, alongside a dizzying catalog of music.

At fourteen, $1 fit neatly into my budget, though I would later learn that the “shipping and handling” charges - those would be my first foray into the burden of debt. Still, without that catalog and it’s tantalizing offers I might never have discovered so many of the artists who I absolutely adore, who shaped me.

One of the first five CD’s I chose was the Under The Pink album by Tori Amos. Very quickly, it was followed by Little Earthquakes ordered from the next catalog that came in the mail.

I was firmly entering my “Darlene” phase—a la the character on Roseanne—happier with headphones on in my bedroom than interacting with other humans. It was all very Lilith Fair-faire.

There are songs that become soundtracks to moments in your life. And then there are songs that grow with you, evolving in meaning as you do.

"Winter" by Tori Amos is one of those songs for me.

When I first listened to it as a teenager, it felt like a tender ode to growing pains and fleeting innocence, perhaps even a bit of parental advice wrapped in a lullaby. I was probably not much older than the girl in the first verse:

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose, get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove

And I probably didn’t think of much in the next verse that references Sleeping Beauty - very unlike the Duchess I am now, ha!

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice--you must learn to stand up
For yourself, 'cause I can't always be around

Back then, I understood the surface sentiment.

“Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it”.

Thanks, Ferris!

But, really: parents offer guidance, and you learn to stand on your own.

It felt comforting in its simplicity.

I had a full circle moment listening to the song last week, breaking in the new Beats oversized-headphones my husband bought me for Christmas. Revisiting the chorus with older ears, and perhaps a wiser and more weathered heart, I realized that Winter is far from simple. It’s not just a reassurance—it’s a challenge. A mirror held up, reflecting the women (er, people) we become and the questions we spend years avoiding.

He says when you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear

When you’re young, it’s easy to hear this as a hopeful message about growing up and moving forward. But now, it feels like a plea to stop seeking validation from others. To stop waiting for someone to rescue you.

Sleeping Beauty tripping you with a frown? That’s a warning from a warrior.

Those white horses—the ones that carry princes—are still in bed, and they’re not always looking for you.

It’s a deeply personal anthem about learning to love yourself, especially when the world—or even your own reflection—feels cold.

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by, and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was

Mirror, mirror, where's the crystal palace?
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know, dad, the ice is getting thin

This verse reminds me so much of middle-age, the busy-ness of it all, and a longing for reclaiming your truth or your youth and being self-aware enough to know that time can be fleeting, that we are living on thin ice, if we continue to ignore who we are deep down.

The mirror won’t show you the fairy tale or the happily-ever-after you’ve been told to believe in. It only shows you yourself—and what you choose to see in that reflection is everything.

And what initially might have been parental advice, now, it’s more about you parenting yourself. Recognizing the thoughts you have about yourself that aren’t real, and the stories you’ve told yourself for years perhaps, that just simply aren’t true.

You are your own happily-ever-after and you are your own fairy tale.

Again…

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind

'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

When are you going to make up your mind and start loving yourself as much as everyone else does? As much as you can. Because right there, right in that spot, that is where EVERYTHING. CHANGES. FAST.

The realization is humbling.

The final verse of the song, that one cuts like an omen.

Hair is gray, and the fire is burring
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear

It’s a haunting reminder of what happens when you ignore your inner voice, when you let others dictate your choices. Those dreams, once vibrant, can wither and collect dust.

But there’s a choice. There’s always a choice.

As this Duchess likes to say, you can keep your dreams to yourself on the shelf or you can share your weird, quirky art and expression with the world and not give a hoot.

I choose the latter.

Also, I’d still love to learn how to play the piano, but specifically keeping the beat, tapping the floor, and pushing the pedals with bare feet like Tori often did.

Gypsy. Goddess. Queen. Duchess.

And Trent Reznor (!!!) from Nine Inch Nails is the backing vocal in the chorus on Past the Mission from Under the Pink, just in case you didn’t know that and now wanted to listen to it again.

With big, over-sized headphones.

That is all.